My father died. In my mother’s arms. In front of me.
He coughed blood and the aneurysm on his infected aorta ruptured. His eyes rolled in his head and his body convulsed. I screamed GET A DOCTOR! and they came running, but my Mom’s best friend of 54 years, my Dad, was already gone.
My mother and I reached for each other, hearts clanging, wildly alive. You are amazing. We washed his blood off her fingers. My husband and I embraced, crying love.
*
When my father was sick and the doctors and nurses searched his tired body for clues, it hit me that they had no idea who they were trying to save. That he was a world-class professor and friend, that his parents were deaf, he hailed from Chicago, aced Harvard and gave the best hugs.
After he died, I told everyone, he was a great Dad, and opened my arms. My father held me my whole life. After they cleaned up his body, I went back to thank him again.
*
My father died. My father died and I felt an oceanic shift. Our love could no longer be shared over the table at our weekly lunch, through email or the secret language of signs. My heart did not break, my friends, it grew. I felt a soaring strength rush in. The calm of his nature, the weight of a mountain, the certainty of love. My Dad, in me.
*
If you’d like to know more about my American Dad, read Part 2: A Family Tree.
*
Thank you for stoking.
*
GOOD NEWS FLASH: We are alive. What are we going to do now??
*
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114 Responses to My Father Died
Brenda,
A beautiful ode to life.
Le Clown
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An intimate moment, forever.
Michael O
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Oh Brenda, c’est très touchant.
Magnifique photo avec ton père
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Your dad was a remarkable man. My heart is warmed to know that you and he had such a great relationship. I wish that I’d had a chance to get to know him better.
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I have no words.
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Brenda, such a moving post, and inspiring to read
Thank you for sharing
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Eyes stinging with tears, am so moved. So very beautiful, all the love. xxxx
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Dear Brenda,
Let’s keep dancing.
Lynne
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Wow, does the love ever come through in every sentence! Beautiful, my sweet, just sad and beautiful and true. Dad was unique, a mountain of wisdom, humour and love for his wife and family. I am proud to have known him for 20 years, and know that I can always find a whole bunch of the best of him in you.
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my heart aches with sorrow and I gradually and wholeheartedly relax into the obvious truth of change.
Thanks for sharing beautifully this experience.
Wietske
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a heart in love. thank you for sharing brenda!
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Beautiful, beautiful, & quite wondrous!! Your unique Dad lived such a full life. He absorbed the
pain of life with love and grit, and humor, and always helped others to be their best. I hope you
are thinking of writing his Biography in your own special way. You certainly are a writer, and you loved him as profoundly as he loved you, & you’ve so many people who are alive who would gladly fill you with stories of your father you probably don’t know, along with all the ones you do. I hope
you will tell the world of the great man he was, and the special love he and your mom shared.
Love, Cousin Myrna
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This brought me to tears- resonated in a way that I have been unable to articulate until now. Such a beautiful outlook on life. May your father Rest in Peace and I wish you the best of luck for the future! Thank you for writing! Xxx
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I am so sorry, Brenda, but also so happy for you, that you had such a beautiful time and that you’re embracing him and your love for him. Big hug to you.
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Sweet Brenda . What a incredible experience. Your dad died with your love and his wifes love…what a blessing!!! Many Blessings my friend…the picture of your dad and you so beautiful …Big Hug.
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Brenda,
This is such a beautiful tribute, thank you for sharing.
John
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To my darling Brendale who I love with all my heart. your words about dad moved me deep into my soul. He loved you to infinity and I am blessed to have you as my daughter.
Your mama.
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Holy shit! So beautiful. So true.
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The certainty of love and your growing heart are an amazing way to react to death. That shows a special bond you and your dad shared. Your ability to look within and find a universe of love is wonderful, beautiful and enriching. Thank you!
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Brenda…..So well written and deserving…With love,Morty
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It is difficult to write anything after such a post. You must still be feeling pretty raw, so don’t forget to take care of yourself. May I also say that you are lucky to have grown up with such a dad? Mine is a bipolar and let’s just say that things are sometimes difficult.
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Thanks for your words, MuMu. I know how lucky I am with my Dad and celebrate it. Sorry to hear that your father suffers from bi-polar, and by proxy, your family, too. There is mental illness in my and so many families and it is never easy.
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Thanks for sharing such a profound moment of life. xoxo NJ
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Brenda…you carry so much of him in you. All the love and the warmth. I am happy you were blessed with so much love from such a GREAT man.
Loves,
Cousine Lili xoxo
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Beautifully written…
I felt similarly after my dad passed last summer.
I felt the beautiful depth of his being in me, and although it was a terribly sad time, it was also filled with a lightness, a clarity, a peace and connectedness that felt so pure and true and incredible.
How have you been? How’s your mom?
Been thinking about you..
xo Naomi
Sent from my iPhone
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This was fabulous. Thank you so much for sharing. Your dad and you are amazing. I know I’ll feel the same way someday when my dad passes, too.
Best,
Jessica
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dear brenda
wow i’m so moved by your words and how you embraced the experience by opening up your heart even more. so beautiful.
all the best
deb
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Sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing such a profound loss as well as such an amazing rebirth. What we chose to focus on and celebrate really can shift a situation. Your post was about death, but so much more about embracing life.
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So beautiful and full of love. xox
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Brenda,
So beautiful and touching…thank you for sharing it
Maureen
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So loving and beautiful, Brenda. sending you so much love from afar. xoxoxo
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Thank you all for your wonderful messages on all fronts. I was given a great gift of a father and am very happy to share him and the life-expanding experience of his death. More than ever, I believe in the power of love.
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I agree with you : I believe in the power of love. I have a wonderful relationship with my father. Take care.
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so touching. I love that last picture of you and your dad. Thank you for sharing and best wishes to you.
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Filling your heart when it could seem so empty. How incredibly beautiful and touching.
Much love to you, Brenda.
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Lovely way to honor your father. Sounds like you had a special relationship. All the best to you…
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Lovely words, so touching. Bravo, Bren.
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This really moved me, Brenda. What love.
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Times goes By – Love it
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I know I am a stranger to you, but I assure you I can relate. Your connection with your dad was special. I am 67 and understand. My children are three and they are older than you are. I would not like them to get teary eyed when I go but to understand the natural cycle of life. I know you are hurt but you are handling it like a trooper and I believe in the right way. I also was a teacher. I always thought leaving a legacy behind in my family and students was important and now with your blog I am sure of it.
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Thank you for your wonderful words. I love it when strangers relate, it gives me hope for peace. My father’s legacy is in me and all the people whose lives he touched. It is an uncannily beautiful thing.
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You are very welcome. He would have been proud of you and that is a great deal. May his memory live on forever through your love and memories. If and when you have children show them his work, his mementos and his cherished pieces so they will continue the tradition.
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Thank you. Your writing is a blessing to me this morning. My father died a bit over a year ago and since then, he lets me know he’s here. But I know he’s here. In the same way you do–he lives on in me. And I am so proud of that. Wishing you peace.
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Thanks, Kay. I am truly amazed by the power and comfort of my Dad’s love in me.
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Sounds to be like your dad has an awesome son!
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That was beautiful.
It reminds me of my mom right now who is trying to deal with my grandfather’s health. We know he doesn’t have much time left and yet we are countries apart. I hear my mom talk to her father almost every day and I can see her holding back tears throughout the whole conversation. The strength and love he had given her probably seems like it’s going to slip away the moment he passes although it is quite the opposite. I feel no different when i think about my parents so although I can’t relate with you entirely, I can understand that kind of feeling to a certain degree. Thank you for the post. Thanks for reminding me of how valuable my family is
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Thanks for sharing, Poo Bauer. Whether we like them or not, our families are the roots of our trees. Best wishes to you and yours.
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Brenda,
What a wonderful post and expression of love for a man you respect and admire. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! – Amy
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So sweet and very touching memory of your father .
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I am so happy this story was featured on FP. This kind of love and life worth sharing is definitely something the world should see, honor, and have more of. Wonderful!
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You captured the emotion so perfectly. I wish you the best.
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Brenda-
My father is dead and living just outside of Portland, Maine.
The man who I thought loved me unconditionally through my childhood and early adult years abandoned me emotionally, taking my mother with him, when, in my early forties, I made a life changing decision of which he disapproved.
Your post re-awakens the feelings I once had for him, and the way I might have reacted to his death had things not changed.
You were blessed with your father.
Dennie
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grudges suck from either side . . . remember the better times and go with that . . Ignorance is an excusable offense in any of us because aren’t we all? . . . at times?
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Guilty as charged.
Thanks.
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Thanks for writing, Dennie. I’m sure I’m not the only one touched by what you say. I wish you peace, love and forgiveness.
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Thank you. And thanks for your blog.
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I am a 71 year old American dad. I would hope that when I die my daughter would write something like that . . . she is also my best friend . . . and she laughs at my jokes . . . and we can can talk uninhibited for hours at a time . . . daughters are Gods gift to lonely fathers.
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JJ, thank you. I am happy that you and your daughter have a great relationship. If there is one thing I am learning by sharing my Dad with others- love opens hearts. Lonely, no more!
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Brenda
Your loving and wonderful American Dad was my very special “uncle”. I know that your words and sentiments are locked in his heart and with him forever. He was a truly exceptional soul. Loving him was very easy. Thank you for sharing him with me. My memories will keep me strong. Love to you
Liane
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Thank you, dear Liane. I loved seeing the two of you chat in a corner. Your Uncle sure loved you.
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Very touching:).. And strengthening at the same time.. What a warm and wonderful smile!
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The loss of a parent is so …… I don’t know the word but at times it seems all consuming.Your tribute to your Dad is lovely. Comforting thoughts for you and yours.
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lovely & unique
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When my brother passed away, it was a very intense experience. He had a lot going, a family, children, well paid career, etc. His wife shot him in his sleep while my niece and nephew was in the same room. At that period in time, it was bloody mess, that’s in the past now. What occurs from time to time is the occasional nostalgia and acceptance.
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My condolences for this very sad story. Glad to hear you have greater acceptance. What choice do we have but to learn to accept what we can’t control? My Dad would say that.
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It’s a wonderful example of a life well lived.
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Heartfelt and lovely. A fitting tribute.
The tough part in losing a parent is that they are no longer face to face with us. The wonderful thing is we realize how much of THEMselves they bestowed in us.
What an honor to carry bits of his values, his personality, his strengths forward to inhabit your space and to give to your children.
Hugs to you from a complete stranger for the world stops for a time when a parent dies. It’s puzzling to see everyone else go on with life when ours…so radically changed. May your memories be numerous and your gratefulness continue and paid forward!!!
oxox
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Thanks for your kind thoughts, Great Red Woman. You obviously know from where you speak.
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Lost my mom/dad 4 and 5 years ago
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That is so hard. My heart goes out to you.
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lovely. beautiful and moving. thanks for sharing. glad you got freshly pressed.
a gorgeous relationship needs to be documented for posterity to cherish 🙂
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Thank you. I never thought I would share this but I’m so glad that it became bigger than me. I am so grateful for the father I had.
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What a tribute to give your father. I do not know him, but I think he would be proud to know how much he meant to you.
–JW
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Thanks, Jumbled Writer. My Dad knew how much he meant to me; I told him all the time. Still, it’s always nice to hear!
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Reblogged this on Jaggi.
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Thanks for the reblog, Jaggi!
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Great post!!
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What a stunning, heartfelt tribute to your dad. Beautiful.
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thaaaaaaaaaaanx
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Dearest Brenda, I was deeply touched by your love for your father. I empathize now with what it means to lose a father, after losing mine in 2011. What I also understand is that even though we will forever miss our dads in their physical form, they do live on inside of us, sometimes they even pay a visit in dreams. I never got to meet your father in person but I can meet him through you and I can tell he was a great man with a big heart. I miss you and look forward to see you and Ned one of these days. You are always welcome to visit us in NY.
Love Andrea
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Thanks, Andrea. Sweet, sweet!
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What a beautiful and loving tribute. My condolences.
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So uplifting! My condolences on your loss, my happiness that you had such a Dad!
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touching lines
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Beautifully expressed. The bond of a child and parent is like no other bond. May your dad be your strength forever.
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[…] My American Dad […]
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There are times when silence can speak more than a thousand words..I felt the darkness of silence all around me as i was reading this post..perhaps, its because i was scared, i went on to give my dad a hug!
great post friend..
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I am so touched by your words, thank you. Keep hugging your Dad!
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You write with the ‘weight of a mountain’. How brilliant. How touching. How inspired. Thank you for sharing. x
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Thank you so much, Ezra. Thanks to you all.
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Great post…your dad was a great man….
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So lucky you are to have such a wonderful Dad! You have captured his essence and love. He must be so proud of you. I’m sure he is watching over you.
So nicely written!
Thank you.
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Great post.
http://tshirtlegend.com/
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[…] days after I saw my father die, I stood in front of his wooden casket, in a matching, brown dress. I regarded the box with […]
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Reblogged this on Android Bethy.
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I am really sorry about your dad. It’s really hard to lose someone you love. Even though we don’t know each other, I know that your dad is somewhere pain free and so happy that he raised a wonderful daughter.
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Thank you, Sailor Moon. I feel his love every day.
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My Dad did not have time to become an American. He lived here only several months and admired everything in this country. One day he was writing a letter to my son whom he adored and he had a stroke. The letter was not finished. However, love is always in our hearts and life continues.
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Thanks for writing, JF. Sounds like your Dad was happy and in the love zone when he died. A good way to go!
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Beautiful!
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[…] 4) My father told me our love would live on when he died. He was right. […]
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this is beautiful…
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Deeply moving. Very powerful.
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[…] My father died last year, in my mother’s arms. She gave him the best death he could ask for, and more importantly, she rocked his life. […]
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A wonderful piece. As I sit here, aware that my ascending aorta is too large but not so large that they want to operate, I feel that my choice to live my life without paralysis is the right course. I am travelling rather than staying home near my doctors. Your dad sounds like a good, good man.
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Thank you, Missus, he sure was a good man. I hope you are well and enjoy your travels.
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[…] stand up and I fall into a rush of love, the warm embrace of the universe and my late Dad, the hugging king. Everyone is happy, Joe says in my ear, but they don’t know it because they’re distracted. For […]
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[…] aneurysm burst on my father’s infected aorta, he coughed blood, his eyes rolled in his head and he died in my mother’s arms. I screamed for help and held them […]
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[…] burst on my father’s infected aorta, he coughed blood, his eyes rolled in his head and he died in my mother’s arms. I screamed for help and held them […]
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[…] choke. The last person to call me a girl was my late Dad. I try my best to seem nonchalant when I ask: you got any fatherly […]
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[…] American Dad was born and bred in the great city of Chicago and he loved his Cubs. When he was a boy in the […]
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[…] if you count U.S. Senator and presidential dream Bernie Sanders; and 5, if you count my dearest father who kicked it off by getting sick and […]
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[…] more stories about my old men, click Senior High, Puppy Love, My Father Died, A Family Tree, Stay Calm and How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the […]
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[…] Tears. I am missing my own. […]
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