This volcano of words about the patriarchy, rape culture, male entitlement, sexual abuse and harassment has left me enraged and inspired.
Every woman has a story. All too many so much worse than mine.
This is what I remember, so far:
I have been verbally and sexually harassed, talked down and mansplained to, yelled at, interrupted, insulted, silenced, followed too many times to count, told I’d like to rape you three times, leered at, belittled, debased and physically grabbed and groped by men my entire, conscious life. This includes two teenagers and one man, who, on separate occasions, lunged and shoved their tongues into my mouth without my consent, and three complete strangers who jumped out of nowhere to jerk their furious pricks in my face. The first time when I was eleven. Do you know what this is, little girl?
Don’t get me started on how having protruding breasts and a vagina has held me back in my work. Or the double-standard in my family and at school.
It is a rare man in my life who has not made me cringe in some related way, nor who has really talked to me about rape culture and complicity. So, here’s what I want to say to you honest, conscious men who are prepared to take a long, hard look in the mirror and who care deeply enough to ask- as our stories explode in your face: What can I do?
Start by telling us how you have participated in the patriarchy. Then, if you can find it in your hearts and want to help us heal, apologize.
Photo by Norman Keesal
I would be happy to hear your feelings and thoughts, with all respect.
*
I love to hear from you.
Click FOLLOW THIS BLOG VIA EMAIL and join the global party. Don’t forget to send back the confirmation email you’ll receive.
For an almost daily fix, FOLLOW BTF on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
I post every two weeks, more or less.
Please COMMENT, QUESTION, SING, DANCE and SHARE!
burns the fire 
58 Responses to You and #MeToo
Powerful post. Thank you for encouraging us to be brave, strong, and feel the burn to inspire change.
LikeLiked by 3 people
If I have inspired you, I am happy!
LikeLike
Your usual power and love shine through. Great writing and raw emotion. You are channeling so much, for so many, burning the fire at both – and all – ends.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, dear Ez.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Me too, me too, me too. The worst attempted from a position of power… my driving instructor during a lesson (I was 17)/a cop alone in his cruiser ‘ordering’ me to join him inside his car (15). A group of men in a van spotting me as prey, pulling up beside me in pursuit as I was walking home in early evening (26). My instinctive reflexive ready-for-battle rage-filled auto response, saved me more than once…. I think. Ask any woman, ask every woman, and they will have stories to tell.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Yes, you, too, Cory. Thanks for sharing!
LikeLike
Thank you for such a powerfully written post. I think it is very hopeful to share and highlight how widespread such boundary-crossing experiences are… And yes, I know many wonderful men whom I love dearly… so I ask them and others… did you realize how common these stories are for the women in your life? It is an earnest question and I am truly interested.
LikeLike
It’s a great question, Cory, and I think we know the answer. That’s why #MeToo hashtag is so important.
LikeLike
So very sorry that you had to go through all this in your life! Please know that not all men are like what you described. Their are some really good men out their who hate the type of men you described did these horrible things to you, I am one of them.
LikeLiked by 4 people
We are not asking you to hate these men, but asking you to not be complicit. Thank you for caring.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Dear burns the fire. Thank you for this post. So much hits the fans these days that we are hyper aware of the change that is inevitable. A good thing? A bad thing? Who is to say? It is happening with all of our participation. I look over here at your post ‘Love Wins’ agree heartily and know that is what guides us here–takes time for all of us–to be free enough of millennia of conditioning to move the energy; to know Love. It’s moving! Slowly at first, then gaining momentum as we wake up. Bless all of those who speak up and move this energy along.
This morning a little article about Jeffrey Katzenburg, former CEO at Dreamworks stated the obvious; that Harvey Weinstein did not act alone…
Yet to not be in a place of compassion for ‘the human condition’ contributes to the patterns that have limited us. Individuals act out of collective consciousness. All of us are involved in this and all of us, as a collective, love each other so much that we will heal.
When we heal the notion of separation between the sexes LOVE will flow naturally, easily. Humanity will be embraced and embracing–Men are not from Mars and Women are not from Venus. We are all ‘stardust’ and to ‘stardust’ we return.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Anna, thank you for your deep and inspiring reflections. I, too, believe in love and love to spread the word.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think i’m in shock! The amount of
woman who have come forward with
“#METOO’ MOIAUSSI has disturbed
me to the core. The response to the Facebook postI submitted last week
shocked me and opened up old wounds. One of my FB friends, Denis McReady, posted a very generous outreach to his men friends to listen to us and not talk just now but to listen and encourages them to talk among themselves about their responsabilities toward the woman in their lives… I was very moved by his efforts, in my life experiences this is a first. I’m hoping this awareness that has begun amoung men is important and well overdue.
You’re words are words of strength and sadness. I cannot share my traumas because they are so disturbing and I’m not one to
scream my pain. Like I said in a post I made a film that circulated for a while which helped me to deal with
the trauma it caused me. This was in
1982. We may have arrived at a time in our humanity, where men will
actually look at violence against woman affects almost every woman
in the world! Your right that we have to tell our stories! I don’t know what to expect but this is a good start.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks for sharing, Hedy, your words touch me deeply. I’m gratified to hear about the outreach of your friend to his male friends. There is much work to be done.
LikeLike
Hi
Thinking deeply about women reacting to the Weinstein scandal, it become very clear to me that in order to make changes in this epidemic number of affected women and entire families, the way to change is through the support and advocacy of the men in our lives. We need to educated our men as to the long term effects of this violating trend. I really believe that’s how we
all can change this ´l’essay faire attitude ‘ . Many woman who think
that living life without men is the solution. Men are people who also have invested interests in learning about violence against women.
Each of us needs to educate our men and by sensitizing them one by one they will learn how abnormal disrespecting woman is unacceptable, destructive and the cause of diseases! Health women make healthy choices.
LikeLike
Beautifully said, Hedy. Thanks for taking the time. I believe in the power of words.
LikeLike
“Start by telling us how you have participated in the patriarchy.”
As a man, I feel moved to respond.
There are several ways in which I have contributed for sure, but one way I can think of is that I haven’t always been a good listener. A couple of friends have explicitly pointed that out, and another one implicitly said that by saying recently that, “you’re a better listener” (a way of saying that I wasn’t a good listener in the past). I feel that this lack of listening, and trying to get your wish anyway, is part of patriarchy and rape culture.
I’m sorry for that and for any other ways I’ve participated in the patriarchy. I want to do better, and I hope to do better, for my sake, for the sakes of friends and family, and for the world’s sake.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Brendan, thank you. Your honesty and apology touch me deeply. I agree that not listening is part of the patriarchy and rape culture and I believe that the more we listen, the more we can feel compassion for each other, let alone for ourselves.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks. I hope that other men can be honest with themselves, as difficult as the honesty may be. I agree that not listening is part of patriarchy/rape culture, and that’s all the more reason for me to want to get away from not listening. Because I want no part in patriarchy or rape culture.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks, Brendan, I applaud you. I dearly hope that more men will be honest. Good for you, good for us.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow, GREAT POST. Thanks again for holding our hearts to the fire, Bren. Funny. Thinking back, I didn’t immediately recall any situations that I would call ‘harassment’ or assault. AND THEN. I remembered at 7 years old, the naked man who got out of his car as I biked by…saying…”Ever seen one of these?” I escaped. My father went looking for him with a gun. I still seethe with rage for the little girl who tried to forget….
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks for sharing, JE. I hope that #MeToo will help with the rage.
LikeLike
We’ve all been there, and it’s good to hear women speaking up. Let me tell a satisfying story: When I worked in a candy factory, one of the mechanics had a habit of coming up behind anyone working at a belt and rubbing himself against us. I was about 19 when I started there and it took me a long time to do anything other than what everyone else did, which was pretend it wasn’t happening, but eventually I gave him the sharp end of my elbow right in the belly. It didn’t stop him doing it to other people, but he left me alone after that.
We need to share stories of the times we fought back as well as the ways men have been creeps.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Stories of fighting back are helpful and empowering. Thanks for yours, Ellen!
LikeLiked by 1 person
me too
LikeLiked by 2 people
I hear and applaud you. I just went to your blog and read your #MeToo post. Please feel free to post it here in the comments. Thank you for sharing.
LikeLike
thank you 💕💕 https://cthrnsmms.wordpress.com/2017/10/18/metoo-my-story-september-27-2015/
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am sending you a massive, virtual hug.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A few thoughts from a supposedly older & wiser man about #metoo:
1) I did. I’m sorry. Maybe I did nothing that would ever get me arrested, or fired, or even called-out by today’s standards… but that’s not the point. I know I did. I didn’t listen, I let my own selfish need for validation, desire for sex, for validation via sex, for sex I wanted so much to be love… my own inability to distinguish… to coerce, beg, debate, demand, harass… disrespect… I am truly sorry. I want to do better by my partner; I want to do better by my sisters, and nieces, and cousins, and friends, and colleagues, and women who’s names I’ll never know. I WANT TO DO BETTER BY MY SON so as not to perpetuate this.
2) #metoo… when I was 14, when I was 17, other times by other definitions. The details are not important and it was a long time ago, I got over it. Most women aren’t so lucky. It’s never OK.
3) I’m angry with men… US… WE… regardless of orientation, colour, creed, political belief… WE all do it, to some degree, even if we aren’t aware, and that’s NOT an excuse. Just look at how we treat each other! The bullying, the primal dominance strategies, the showing-off, the one-upmanship, the veiled references to violence that underlie too many negotiations to even mention… toxic masculinity and rape culture are things WE need to confront. First and foremost by looking in the mirror.
3a) PS: enough of the “virtue signaling / performative allyship” crap… please… enough of the sanctimonious posts rallying other men to get their shit together, to call out other men, while stating how much you love & respect all women, subtly insinuating that you’re not like those other men… you are, specially if you need to make a point of telling us what a feminist you are (find the recent SNL skit “Girl at a bar” online).
4) victims have something done to them against their will… but… replace “Harvey Weinstein’s Hotel Room” with uncountable variations on a theme with different rich, powerful, famous men… let’s acknowledge that some women know and still go, using their sexuality as currency. How can it be a level playing field for most women, in all walks of life, who want to use only their brains, their creativity, their generosity, their efforts, their energy… their integrity… when, as feminists have pointed-out, privileged women who are comfortable with the social, economic and political advantages are complicit in supporting the patriarchy?
4a) This is not a conversation for men to participate in… this one is for women, amongst themselves.
5) we all need love and we all have love to give… and that’s OK
LikeLike
My friend Robert posted something this morning I’d like to share with you:
A few thoughts from a supposedly older & wiser man about #metoo:
1) I did. I’m sorry. Maybe I did nothing that would ever get me arrested, or fired, or even called-out by today’s standards… but that’s not the point. I know I did. I didn’t listen, I let my own selfish need for validation, desire for sex, for validation via sex, for sex I wanted so much to be love… my own inability to distinguish… to coerce, beg, debate, demand, harass… disrespect… I am truly sorry. I want to do better by my partner; I want to do better by my sisters, and nieces, and cousins, and friends, and colleagues, and women who’s names I’ll never know. I WANT TO DO BETTER BY MY SON so as not to perpetuate this.
2) #metoo… when I was 14, when I was 17, other times by other definitions. The details are not important and it was a long time ago, I got over it. Most women aren’t so lucky. It’s never OK.
3) I’m angry with men… US… WE… regardless of orientation, colour, creed, political belief… WE all do it, to some degree, even if we aren’t aware, and that’s NOT an excuse. Just look at how we treat each other! The bullying, the primal dominance strategies, the showing-off, the one-upmanship, the veiled references to violence that underlie too many negotiations to even mention… toxic masculinity and rape culture are things WE need to confront. First and foremost by looking in the mirror.
3a) PS: enough of the “virtue signaling / performative allyship” crap… please… enough of the sanctimonious posts rallying other men to get their shit together, to call out other men, while stating how much you love & respect all women, subtly insinuating that you’re not like those other men… you are, specially if you need to make a point of telling us what a feminist you are (find the recent SNL skit “Girl at a bar” online).
4) victims have something done to them against their will… but… replace “Harvey Weinstein’s Hotel Room” with uncountable variations on a theme with different rich, powerful, famous men… let’s acknowledge that some women know and still go, using their sexuality as currency. How can it be a level playing field for most women, in all walks of life, who want to use only their brains, their creativity, their generosity, their efforts, their energy… their integrity… when, as feminists have pointed-out, privileged women who are comfortable with the social, economic and political advantages are complicit in supporting the patriarchy?
4a) This is not a conversation for men to participate in… this one is for women, amongst themselves.
5) we all need love and we all have love to give… and that’s OK
LikeLike
Thanks for another powerful and brave post Brenda. Your use of the photo, iconic and gorgeous in its 60s innocence, is a chilling way to close.
LikeLike
When I finished writing the post, the choice of photo was crystal clear. My Dad took it.
LikeLike
I have never been able to say #MeToo and I am so grateful for that. But why should I be? Why should I, a 14 year old, have to be grateful about not being the target of an unwanted sexual advance? It physically sickens me how society does so little to change this. So many women and young girls are able to say #MeToo and the ones who cannot are grateful. Why should predatory men have such power over us? I’m glad that when I log on to any social media, I see a movement, a challenge to this. No matter how small, I am proud of women everywhere for standing up to the patriarchy in every and any way. Thank you for making this post.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your question is painfully true- why should you have to be grateful about not being a target? I , too, am grateful to this growing movement so you never have to say me, too.
LikeLike
This was a facebook post I shared, and I was asked to post it here by the author:
With the #MeToo all over my facebook, there is something I wish to share as well. I’m guilty of sexual misconduct. I have pressured women into doing things they didnt really want to and instead of listening to the tone of their voice, or paying attention to their body language, I pushed forward with what I wanted. I didnt know what enthusiastic consent was. I didnt know that a woman might be afraid to say “no” outright to me because Im a big guy and they might me scared I would get violent if told no. I have hurt women.
Does all this make me a bad person? I don’t think so. But there is no question that I have done bad things. It is our responsibility as men to look in the mirror and admit to ourselves and to others that we have messed up and hurt women. Not all men are evil, but all men are responsible for their part in benefiting or contributing to the culture that has hurt a huge percentage of women, probably the vast majority. #Ihave
Update: I saw a post recommending using #ihave instead of the Me too #
Originally posted by Stav Meishar
I wanna see MEN having the courage to come out and share stories of that time they realized they were being inappropriate. I want men to tell us about the moments when they abused a woman – physically or verbally – and what made them understand that this behavior was not OK.
I’m saying this because NICE GUYS DO THIS TOO. For real, most men who do this aren’t inhuman monsters. They’re your high school friend, your next door neighbor, your work colleague with the mortgage and kids. It’s not usually that rapey stranger in the a dark alley. More often it’s nice guys who have been raised in a rape culture drenched in toxic masculinity ideals.
Please, be brave. I wanna hear your voices. I wanna hear your mistakes, I wanna hear what made you face the truth, I wanna hear what made you wake up from your own toxic behavior.
So many women are #MeToo – and yes, #NotAllMen harass, but so many men do it without even understanding that what they did was wrong. I wanna hear from those who have wronged us and are working to be better.
EDIT: If you are a man who is up for this challenge, please post your story on your own wall using the hashtag #Ihave and please copy-paste said story(ies) in the comments of this thread. Whether you have perpetrated said behavior or have simply been silently complicit, now is your moment to take responsibility for it. Tell me how you are working on becoming a better ally.
LikeLike
Edward you’re a man right? I’m confused. Did you write this? I read a woman’s words? Please clary? Thanks
LikeLike
Forget my reply! I had a senior
moment! I do appreciate your honesty. It isn’t easy to challenge the
popular norm woman have been
living with forever! So keep learning and your soul will benefit and so will
your relationships with woman.
Hedy
LikeLike
Thank you for saying that, Hedy.
LikeLike
This is a Facebook post I made about a week ago. The author asked me to share it here
With the #MeToo all over my facebook, there is something I wish to share as well. I’m guilty of sexual misconduct. I have pressured women into doing things they didnt really want to and instead of listening to the tone of their voice, or paying attention to their body language, I pushed forward with what I wanted. I didnt know what enthusiastic consent was. I didnt know that a woman might be afraid to say “no” outright to me because Im a big guy and they might me scared I would get violent if told no. I have hurt women.
Does all this make me a bad person? I don’t think so. But there is no question that I have done bad things. It is our responsibility as men to look in the mirror and admit to ourselves and to others that we have messed up and hurt women. Not all men are evil, but all men are responsible for their part in benefiting or contributing to the culture that has hurt a huge percentage of women, probably the vast majority. #Ihave
Update: I saw a post recommending using #ihave instead of the Me too #
Originally posted by Stav Meishar
I wanna see MEN having the courage to come out and share stories of that time they realized they were being inappropriate. I want men to tell us about the moments when they abused a woman – physically or verbally – and what made them understand that this behavior was not OK.
I’m saying this because NICE GUYS DO THIS TOO. For real, most men who do this aren’t inhuman monsters. They’re your high school friend, your next door neighbor, your work colleague with the mortgage and kids. It’s not usually that rapey stranger in the a dark alley. More often it’s nice guys who have been raised in a rape culture drenched in toxic masculinity ideals.
Please, be brave. I wanna hear your voices. I wanna hear your mistakes, I wanna hear what made you face the truth, I wanna hear what made you wake up from your own toxic behavior.
So many women are #MeToo – and yes, #NotAllMen harass, but so many men do it without even understanding that what they did was wrong. I wanna hear from those who have wronged us and are working to be better.
EDIT: If you are a man who is up for this challenge, please post your story on your own wall using the hashtag #Ihave and please copy-paste said story(ies) in the comments of this thread. Whether you have perpetrated said behavior or have simply been silently complicit, now is your moment to take responsibility for it. Tell me how you are working on becoming a better ally.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for sharing. I delt with some of this last year, but not near as bad as you story.. It was so hurtful cause i thought he was a Good friend, but all he really was was a manipulater, brainwasher, and sexual assaulter. Through him i have learned alot about myself, how easily i am manipulated. Breaking free from his manipulation and sexual touching has been refreshing, and now i am stronger then ever cause i know how to punch and kick.
LikeLike
Reading your experiences might as
well been mine. My first agression
by a stranger was after school
I was 10. Similar experiences on going weekly, monthly. I developed
early and before I knew how my
body affected men, I developed a fear that I could not explain.
In my mid 20’s I finally learned self
defence and it helped with my fear
and my sense of security improved.
After a rape at gun point a man snuck into the bedroom of the place I was house sitting, and I was able to kick his ass not without a bruse
but he ran and I saved myself.
I recommend that all young girls
learn self defence techniques and not wait to be attacked or whatever form of oppression they may experience. Most violent experiences are committed by cowardly men. Men who hate woman . Men who aim
to revenge themselves from whatever drove there minds to hurt
women. We are an easy target. Phisically most of us are not as strong as men. This is fact. It may be a great eye opener for men to
come to realize their advantages
but I wouldn’t wait for quick change
in attitude, “every man has the potential to rape. “ this is a frase
I heard over and over again since
1980 and the first rape crisis centre
began with a mixture of heterosexual
and gay woman. I joined in at the time I had no idea that every woman
I knew or went to work with or studied with, had experienced some kind of
phisical aggression for no other
reason than for being a woman. Or
child . I always hoped that the schools would add self defence to their curriculum! That’s all for now
Hedy
LikeLiked by 1 person
I should take classes… I haven’t accually took any, but i know how to do a little from a former coworker, and now i have the mond set of to juat do it… Kick now, ask later! Its a very sick world we live in, sad to say and we have to be prepared for anything.
LikeLike
Every time a woman speaks out, I am filled with a mix of rage, elation and hope for healing.
LikeLike
Thanks for sharing, Heidi.
LikeLike
You’re welcome.😞😁
LikeLike
Check out the book fight like a girl by Clementine Ford. Your fire will grow even more!
I’ve just started to share my story online. Because my fire is also growing.
beingraped.wordpress.com
LikeLike
Not enough love in the world to hang on to my sad past. Growtresentment towards the male population won’t fix the problem, it will create more problems, new ones.
I don’t know how to fix this other than to keep telling mothers to grow their sons and daughters with better love, trust , respect and fathers.
Not to have children unless you’re really willing to give it all. Cause that’s what it takes to make good people!
LikeLike
I feel you, Hedy. It’s hard. I am glad that you are thinking about “love, trust, respect and fathers.” Those words need to come together.
LikeLike
Thanks, JG. I’m very touched that you are writing your #metoo story for anyone to see. More power to you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Beautifully written! Loved it.
Hey! This is the link to my blog, a beautiful story of two young souls.
https://rb147forever.wordpress.com
LikeLike
None of the men who coerced, abused, used or assaulted me have come forwards to discuss or apologise what happened. I so wish some of the “better” men would discuss this with me, check in to see if anything dubious happened when they were with me. Sadly I realise all but two sexual relationships of mine have been fraught with problems, the MeToo movement has made me reassess what happened and I see a lot of coercion looking back, as well as more straight up cases of assault etc. But the men remain silent, even though I blog and tweet about it. It’s disappointing that some otherwise very “woke” men don’t want to change in this way…
LikeLike
Welcome, Melita. I appreciate your words deeply. I, too wish there were more men speaking up; it is disheartening that so many don’t, but I have hope that in time, the conversation will expand to help heal our world of the treachery of patriarchy et al. More power to those who speak and courage to those who don’t.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have an amazing male partner who totally gets it and would never hurt or coerce a woman, so that is quite some consolation after a lifetime of poor treatment, sexually… but it would indeed be nice if these other men had the courage to apologise to me for obvious wrongs, or at least open up a dialogue.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Consolation, indeed, and totally get your desire to hear from those other men. Here’s a thought: would you consider approaching them to discuss? More often then not, it takes the stronger ones to initiate the healing and I sure can feel your strength. Love to you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for the suggestion. To be honest I’m not sure I do have the courage… I feel too traumatised right now, which means very afraid!
LikeLike
You show great courage to talk about it on your blog and here. All respect to you.
LikeLike
I am sorry for decades of sexism, abuse, condescension, neglect, and lack of empathy. The only way I know how to make this better is to change myself. To see all women as my sisters, daughters, or mothers. Stop sexualizing every attractive woman I see, meet, speak with. Teach my sons to respect women, girls, the Divine Feminine. Be a role model for boys, young men, and peers in how I listen to women and empathize with them.
I put these intentions in writing for my own transformation. Thank you for giving me the impetus and space to do so.
With Aloha,
Kozo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Kozo. Your words are a balm.
I do not know many men who have opened their hearts to me (and my readers) in this way. It seems easier to discuss the latest man outed for the entire spectrum of bad behaviour, than to offer up deep self-reflection and healing intentions, let alone an apology.
Thank you, with Aloha and love.
LikeLike